Wedding Speech on June 7

Many Jakarta Taipei School's friends asked what I said in 翠's wedding, so I decided to write down my extemporaneous three-minute speech on this blog. Here is what I said in her wedding:

(開場自我介紹: 我叫朱澤人....)
我這次從紐約特地回來參加翠元的婚禮 因為我過去有六年的時間跟她是同學 看著她從小學五年級作業和課本常常忘了帶 一直到她考進台大
不過這次有很多在印尼的老同學都沒收到她的喜帖
翠元個人的解釋是說 怕大家因為收到喜帖 要包紅包 這樣會很不好意思
不過套句過去一樣是認識她六七年的老同學羅鈞瑋所說:
傻子 錢不是問題好不好？
所以我今天集結了老朋友們的對翠元的感覺 帶來給翠元
我們這些朋友們都一致認為 翠元對朋友是非常真心的
大家有什麼感情上的苦惱或是煩心的事 都會想要說給翠元聽
因為她會很認真的聆聽你 雖然下一秒可能就忘了你說什麼
但是至少聽得時候很認真 我個人也有類似的經驗
高中時我有一次受到學業上的挫折 想要躲進廁所好好痛哭一場
不過翠元注意到了 結果她就一路跟我跟到廁所門口
我知道她想要安慰我 不過當時真是害我超尷尬
現在想起來 這件事很讓我感動 翠元對朋友是真心的沒話說
今天很高興在這邊能夠參與翠元生命中另一個重要的事件
我在這邊帶上我們老同學的祝福 也希望翠元在結婚後不會忘掉我們 這些受過妳幫助 以及幫助過妳的人 謝謝。

After the speech, the bride came to me and said the speech was excellent. I think I give her what she wants--to hear her merits from an old friend's mouth. I don't have to harp on her and warn her about what marriage should be. All I have to do is to remind her what she is in our eyes--an sincere, caring, and lovable friend--and to hint that her oblivion of us in recent years has push herself further away from what we know about her. However, I don't think she receives my implications.....

Wedding Speech

Here is the speech I am going to give in my friends' wedding in this Saturday. Because all the attenders are Chinese, I write this speech in Chinese.

讓我在此借用符號學Semiotic的理論提出一個觀念給新郎與新娘，把婚姻當成是動辭，不要把婚姻當成是名詞。長輩們要求我們在婚姻中要不斷彼此包容、尊重、扶持對方。這些我們都聽過，但是不快樂的婚姻卻還是彼彼皆是，其中原因之一即是我們依舊將婚姻當成是名詞，把白紙黑字當成是真實。
舉例來說，看看最近的電影：曼哈頓奇緣、27件禮服的秘密、真的戀錯了，都是把婚姻當成是結局、一個終點、一個結尾，而不是一個行動的開始。這種觀念讓我回憶起七年前，我和新娘翠元還是高二生的時候，他有一次忽然問我：朱朱，婚姻是不是就是一張免費性愛券呀？那個時候我還真不知道怎麼回答她。其實這個觀點源自於基督教Saint Paul的思想，Saint Paul認為我們之所以需要結婚，只是因為有機會行性愛的緣故。
在隔了整整七年後，我可以完整的回覆她上述的問題，如果婚姻只是張但書或制度，那麼他的價值就跟性愛券沒什麼兩樣。但若婚姻是一種體貼的、傾心的，互相尊重的行動，那這段婚姻才能給予你生命豐富的意義與價值。
注意，把婚姻當成動詞決對不是說婚姻要讓夫妻彼此都做對方的監視人，或是需要每天購物討好對方。我在此說的將婚姻當成是持續滋長感情、讓對方自由發展的行為，而不是限制性法律歸約。如此，婚姻就更像是一種相處模式，而不是一個事件；是一種過程，而不是一個目標；是一種循環性的溝通，而不是線性的計畫。這樣，我想婚姻這個動作將會讓彼此持續的快樂，讓生命不再有所空虛或遺憾。
最後要記住，Victor Frankl所說，人沒有權力決定未來什麼事情發生在自己身上，但是人可以決定用什麼樣的態度來面對他們。今天希望新郎和新娘能利用將婚姻當成是動辭的態度，來共同發展兩人的未來。

The main point of this speech is that we should think of marriage as verb, not as noun. Marriage is a process nuturing deeper love, not just a point of our life. In other words, marriage demands more actions than the time when people are dating each other. Or, is that true? Recently, when I write a topic, I always found myself thinking the opposite of my argument. For example, when I write about marriage as verb, I also think that maybe, in the age of over-consumption, we should stop anaethetizing ourself with actions. Instead, mediating the role we play, ruminating the lessons we learn from life, and refraining our desires to make more trivial decisions are the most vital things to tell newlyweds.

I only have three minutes to give this speech, but my mind is tangled with contradicatory thoughts. I am going mad.

Update on 7 June:
In the end, I change my speech. I let go of the sermonic way of speech and only recount the bride's image in friends' eyes. That's enough....

The biggest challenge in my life

Yesterday, my girlfriend, living with me, found out that two of her former colleagues got married. She looked all their wedding pictures and commented on every detail of their wedding ranging from the style of their dresses to the size of the wedding reception sites. She was particularly interesting in the wedding of a nurse colleague who marry to a rich doctor, because they invited almost 500 people to their extravagent "wedding of the century," as the bride shamelessly dubbed it. I worked in the same hospital with my girlfriend for three months, so she meticulously explained to me who hated the bride and who wanted to pursued her best friend while I was struggling in writing an English essays.

Then, she suddenly said, "What if I don't have so many friends in my wedding?" Yap, I know she wanted to get married after seeing all these pictures. Especially when she is now thirty years old (five years bigger than me), wedding pictures can easily stimulate her fantacy of having a romantic "wedding of the century."

Many friends said I am living a very boring and easy life--reading books, drawing ink painting, and cooking food for my girlfriend everyday. My parents pay for my tuition and I never have to worry about taking care of them after I graduate. But me living a carefree life? Look at my situation. Few months ago I just turn twenty-five years old, and now I have to worry about getting a decent job and pursuading her mother to permit our marriage. I also have to earn enough money in two years to satisfy my girlfriend's fantacy about her wedding, for she wants to get married before thirty-two years old.

Promising a girl who are five years bigger than you that you will marry her is definitely a challenge. In fact, I think this is the biggest challenge in my life.

My new pattern of behavior

The girl I love in high school is getting married. If this is not complicated enough, then listen to this: she wants me to give a speech on her wedding day.

We have known each other since we were eleven years old and we were classmates for seven years in Indonesia. In elementary school, she was a girl you wouldn't have a second glimpse. But in junior high school, she suddenly became so gorgeous that almost every boy in the class wanted to be her boyfriend, and I was not an exception.

I knew I liked her because of her look, not her personality or character. Maybe this was the reason why I never pursued her, for I realize that I was just blinded by her appearance. However, after 1998 anti-Chinese incident in Indonesia, most of our classmates went back to Taiwan, and only three of us--including a girl who was my "shadow"--left.

During these three years in high school with mostly three students in class, I got the chance to really look into her thoughts. She has a pure and unblemished mind. I usually said she was foolish, but what's underlied beneath was her conviction that all human are good and we should do our best to be a great person. I was deeply attracted by her childlike mind.

Now, she is going to get married, while I also have a beloved girlfriend. Knowing each other for such a long time, I find it's hard to accept her new role as a wife or a mother. Of course, wedding provides a ritual for her to change from one role to another, and we are all happy to attend this great ceremony. But giving a speech in front of her parents, relatives, friends, husband, friends of her family, friends of her husband, and all the other people that you would never think of makes me faint.

In No Sense of Place, Joshua Meyrowitz points out that the combiation of many different audiences (such as wedding) will create a new social situation that people would need to change the patterns of role behavior. What I want to say to her as a friend on the wedding might embarrass her family or husband, and what I can say to her parents and relatives might be too sloppy or boring for her. Maybe I should see the movie Wedding Crashers again.